A politically incorrect, post-modern ‘beef’ about the cow among the Makers of Modern India
Background: A group of friends and adversaries meet up in a bar for a drink and debate the recent ban on beef in several states of India. Other related current issues such as communal rifts and the role of the state in modern India inevitably creep up.
Big Daddy, The Dreamer, Ironman, The Keeper, The Doctor and Guruji are the friends/rivals. Let us see how the event unfolds.
(The Dreamer and Ironman reach the destination together at the earliest).
The Dreamer: I guess we are here early. Should we wait or order a drink?
Ironman: (starring right into his eyes) You know that I don’t drink. Big Daddy told me that he will take some time and I am not even sure the others will come. Go ahead get your glass though I am not sure if they will have your drink of choice….
The Dreamer: Well, I am going to get a glass of fine Scottish whiskey, on the rocks. Waitress!
Waitress: Yes Sir….
The Dreamer: Could you get me some fine Old Glenfidditch on the rocks?
Waitress: Sorry Sir, the most premium whiskey we have is Black Dog.
The Dreamer: Well, I guess I can make do with that once in a while. By the way, lovely smile!
Waitress: (blushes), Thank you Sir. I will bring it right out for you. And for you, Sir? (Looking at Ironman).
The Dreamer: He doesn’t drink…doesn’t understand that teetotalers don’t necessarily live longer.
Ironman: It at least keeps me grounded in reality to anticipate that a high end Scottish whiskey will probably not be available in a neighborhood bar……
(Awkward silence)
The Dreamer: (laughs lightly) This is why we need each other. Dreams need to be grounded in reality after all.
Ironman: (nods reluctantly)
Waitress: (confused) Okay then…..I will get your Black Dog for you.
(She leaves, The Dreamer checks her out)
Ironman: Big Daddy will not be very happy…Drinks and now this…
(An old frail man with larger than life glasses, khadi boxers and more hair on his face than his head makes an entrance amidst much fanfare and the whole bar turns). (Thrift shop by Macklemore plays in the background)
The Dreamer: (looks guilty)….. Oh my god!, Speak of him and he appears. He must be a true Mahatma, that man.
Big Daddy: (addressing everyone) Everybody calm down, I am just here to meet some old buddies.
(Everyone settles, The Dreamer and Ironman run up to receive him and the three men exchange hugs).
(The waitress also runs up and waits for all three men to take their seats)
Waitress: Hello, Big Daddy. I did not expect you to come to a place like this, what can I get you?
Big Daddy: Namaste….. May I have some peanuts?
Waitress: Right away, Daddy ji…Anything else?
Big Daddy: (Looking at The Dreamer’s drink) You see at my age and health, I try to keep away from those things that I know are injurious to my body, spirit and mind. A simple sadhu such as myself shouldn’t have to tell this to the great modernizer and devotee of science. Right, Ironman?
Ironman: (smirks)
The Dreamer: Sorry Big Daddy…
Big Daddy: (looking towards the waitress and chuckles) I think we can excuse him because of his good work and tenuous schedule. I have had enough of that (alcohol) during my young days to know that it is a hindrance to one’s well being. Maybe, it is better for people to learn this by their own experience.
The Dreamer: (let’s out a sigh of relief)
Big Daddy: Sorry to keep you waiting dear, peanuts will suffice and would it be too much if I asked for some milk. To be clear, I only drink goat’s milk.
Waitress: I will get the peanuts out immediately and let me see what I can do about the goat’s milk.
Ironman: I know a place nearby that sells goat’s milk. Perhaps, you can have someone pick it up for Big Daddy?
Waitress: Sure, I can find somebody. Where is this place?
Ironman: (gives her the details)
Big Daddy: A pretty able deputy you have Dreamer…Both of you are like wine and cheese, “woh dhono karthein hain humme obese” hahahahahahahah(chuckles at his own joke).
(Everyone laughs along awkwardly and the waitress leaves as a man with a suit and tie walks towards the table).
The Dreamer: Doctor, is that you?
The Doctor: Would you rather it was someone else? (Pulls up a chair). So, what kind of practical joke are the three most powerful men in the nation’s most powerful party about to unleash on the people that they pretend to understand.
The Dreamer: Well Doctor, you as one among the four most powerful men of the nation can aid us in making sure that the joke is limited to mild giggles as opposed to hoards of laughter.
The Doctor: Why is the saint so uncharacteristically silent?
Big Daddy: What can a saint claim to understand that a doctor and an architect don’t?
The Doctor: Oh Please, spare me of the humility. I can’t and don’t want to play that game.
Ironman: Just to be clear, we are all here to discuss the recent beef ban in a number of states across the nation and whether this is the direction that the Centre must take.
The Doctor: Beef ban, really? What about my suggestions in regards to the Hindu Code Bill?
(Big Daddy looks at Ironman and he shrugs)
The Dreamer: Doctor, Please be patient. I agree with each and every one of your suggestions but the political climate is not favorable. As smart as you are academically, you do not understand the art of politics. Today, can we just stick to the issue at hand?
The Doctor: Why would something as mundane as the beef ban interest me. You guys are wasting my time.
Ironman: (sighs)
The Dreamer: Because a majority of the rural and poor population in India which would include a sizeable section of the Dalits depend on beef as their protein source. A ban on beef would only lead to further disintegration in health and as result they will live shorter, work for lesser hours, make lesser money, further slip into poverty which will impact the nation’s HDI, the nation’s GDP thereby reducing India’s claim to being a major global player…..(gasps for breath)
(Big Daddy and The Doctor listen carefully and show interest)
The Doctor: While I do agree that economic upliftment of the Dalits is crucial; it would mean nothing without political empowerment. And I can foresee how this ban can be used as a weapon to alienate the already alienated politically, economically and socially.
Big Daddy: I am pleased to meet a gentleman who believes that we as a nation would have to rid ourselves of the sin of untouchability at any cost. Remind me again, where does the Doctor hail from?
The Doctor: We prefer the word Dalits to Harijans. I hail from the Mahar community of Maharashtra.
Big Daddy: (Surprisingly looks at his suit and tie) Mahar community? A Harijan who speaks such fluent English?
(Ironman and The Dreamer are surprised that Big Daddy does not know this)
The Doctor: Correction Big daddy ji…. A ‘dalit’ who speaks fluent English.
( Suddenly there are roars of “Har Har Mahadev!” A saffron clad man with a long beard and piercingly sharp eyes enters with a mob)
Guru: (Yells) “Hindustan Zindabad, Pakistan Murdabad”, “Ek Bharath, Akand Bharath, Hindu Bharath”……
(His henchmen pull up a chair for him)
Guru: Namaskar Ironman. Hello Doctor and Dreamer. (avoids eye contact with Big Daddy)
The Dreamer: Must you make a hullabaloo everywhere you go? Who are all these men you have brought. This is supposed to be a private discussion.
Big Daddy: Your entire henchmen don’t scare me by the way. I am armed with the most powerful weapon in the world –ahimsa.
Guru: You scoundrel! What have you done to my religion, my culture? Bloody Muslim apologist, you have destroyed Hindustan.
Ironman: Guru, lower your voice and mind your tongue. He is Big daddy after all. Also, get your men out of here before I call in mine.
Guru: There’s my man, sending in his men like he did in the Muslim states of Hyderabad and Junagarh . Why don’t you do the same in Kashmir?
Ironman: Enough is enough. Stop talking nonsense and get your men out at once before I lose my patience.
Guru: Ok, calm down…(sends his men out). So, why this surprise invitation for Guruji ?
The Dreamer: Somebody please brief him. I can’t stand his anti-secular attitude and divisive language. Doctor?
The Doctor: Why would I be interested in someone who believes that a religion, which has oppressed people systematically for centuries, is supreme and that the nation should be based on those very systems.
Guru: Listen, untouchability must go but for that the Muslims must go since it is them who furthered the phenomenon of untouchability.
The Dreamer: That is such a bunch of baloney. Doctor, please don’t fall for that.
The Doctor: I would rather kill myself than succumb to his position. I thought Big Daddy was wrong but at least he is sane.
Ironman: Let us get to the matter at hand. Guru, this meeting is about the recent beef bans and the direction that the country must take in regards to it. The Keeper just texted and will be here any minute. Should we all just keep silent and resume then?
Big Daddy: I am so glad that he could make it. It has been a long time since I met my friend from Madras.
(Waitress brings the peanuts for Big Daddy).
Big Daddy: Thank you dear, any success with the milk?
Waitress: Yes, I have sent somebody. It will just be a few minutes. In the mean time can I get the rest of you something to eat or drink?
Ironman: No, thank you none of us drink. Could you arrange for a pot of Chai and a lot more peanuts? I assume everyone is ok with this?
The Doctor: Let me get a coke zero please, they can have the tea.
(The food and tea is served)
(The Keeper enters and walks straight to Big Daddy. Both men embrace. He then proceeds to shake hands with the rest)
The Dreamer: Longtime, I am surprised you even made it. Better late, than never…..
The Keeper: Some of you forget that there exists a large part of the nation south of the Vindhyas and it takes flying over them to actually reach Bombay. Well, it is probably my folly to expect from gentleman of your stature to acknowledge the existence of this tiny Tam Bram when even a giant flood in Madras gets so little attention
The Dreamer: But I have authorized all the money that you have asked me for. What else do you want? A separate Tamil state?
The Keeper: The Funds in wartime alone will not do the trick as you learnt from your Chini Bhai’s. There needs to be devolution and cooperative federalism in times of peace. Individual incentive and private enterprise will itself ensure that states get their due share and become self-sustainable. Then, you wouldn’t have to be so paranoid about a separate Tamil state or a Khalistan or a Naga State for that matter.
(Everyone else looks confused)
Ironman: Ahem…. Excuse me respected gentleman, let us stick to the agenda…..
The Keeper: Oh Beef! I have always accepted Big Daddy’s tenets that the way of the sword a.k.a the way of law should be kept to a minimum, which is why I have been at loggerheads with the Grand Old Party’s bosses (looking at The Dreamer and Ironman).
Big Daddy: Yes, as a Hindu I refrain from slaughtering the cow. But if that is the case, why is India the world’s largest exporter of beef. Not to mention the archaic traditions those actually torture the bulls and deprive the cows?
(Waitress runs up and serves the goat’s milk to Big Daddy)
Waitress: Sorry, it took so long…..
(Big Daddy sips goat’s milk, as everyone looks at him. The waitress leaves).
The Doctor: Hmmmm…I guess there is a reason why we say Holy Cow and not Holy goat!
Big Daddy: My dear Doctor, you have always played an integral role in exposing my own faults. The only justification I can provide you as of now is that my body is incapable of digesting dal and other vegetarian forms of protein. I depend on peanuts and goat milk to keep myself alive. This is consistent with my philosophy of least harm.
Guruji: (looking at Ironman) See, I told you that Big Daddy advocates the prohibition of cow slaughter
Big Daddy: Yes I do, but don’t trivialize my words by paraphrasing them out of context. I morally condemn any sort of violence towards animals or people but we are not a Hindu nation. This nation is based on inclusiveness and pluralism. How can we expect the beef eating communities to suddenly change their habits and that too through force? This is nothing but ahimsa… The Dadri lynching simply broke my soul and heart. This nation cannot be based on the idea of theocracy like our neighbor. Then there will simply be no difference between them and us and our entire struggle would be rendered meaningless.
Guru: Well they can go back to their own countries. The Mohamadens and Christians have done nothing, but rob us of our riches and deprive us of our destiny.
(The dreamer interrupting)
The Dreamer: Muslims, Christians, who else do you have a problem with? Let us be clear on this atleast…
Guruji: Communists! Muslims, Christians and Communists are like the venoms of a cobra that we need to suck out of our Mother.
The Dreamer: Great, just ….I have no words, How can one even convince…Actually forget that, there is no point in me talking to you.
The Keeper: Guru, while I agree your definitions of Hinduism as a cultural phenomenon are praiseworthy, I find your idea of a “Hindu Rashtra” severely delusional….
Guruji: Yes, but we can make it a reality. My dear Keeper, while I admire your work on the great Hindu epics, you seem to confirm every stereotype of a Dravidian-small, frail, non violent, austere, incapable of valor or bravery. I guess that can only be expected of an Aryan…….a true Aryan not like the one’s I see here.
The Keeper: Guru, Please understand what I am trying to say. Hinduism is best represented by the idea of India- plural, inclusive, flexible, dynamic and tolerant. While Christianity and Islam may not be as sophisticated, Christians and Muslims of India have to be accepted as culturally equal to the Hindus of The Nation by virtue of having made this their Motherland for centuries…
Guru: I don’t understand what you are trying to say…
The Dreamer: Me neither, Christians and Muslims are culturally Hindus? What does that even mean?
The Keeper: Ok, to make it simple, let me just say that I do not support the ban on beef by law since it will come in conflict with the practices of communities (Dalits) within Hinduism and those outside it. This will in turn be detrimental to the inclusive idea inherent within Hinduism itself. While the banning of beef is a noble idea, it goes against Dharma since it causes greater pain and conflict. Not to mention the negative externalities on the economy like black markets and cost of enforcing the law. We haven’t even managed to balance the budget. Thanks to the license Raj. (Looks at The Dreamer)
Guruji: (cackles at The Dreamer)
The Doctor: Hmmm.. I see that Big Daddy has rubbed off on you. Your liberal ideas of equality, liberty and fraternity are laudable but I strongly oppose your glorification of the Hindu religion as superior to others. Look at your record of treating women and untouchables.
(awkward silence, everyone reflects)
The Dreamer: The idea of Secularism must ensure the separation of religion and state at all costs… For me, that is reason enough to not enforce a law on the ban of beef.
Big Daddy: Dear Dreamer, you simply fail to see the downfalls of modernity and science. They may bring greatest good to the greatest number. But this also doesn’t tell us much about the aggregate increase in pain. I don’t say that modernity increases pain but that it is indifferent to it. Religion is not an enemy to be disposed, but a lover that needs to be embraced. Irreligion, a by-product of modernity is why our world faces the magnitude of miseries that it does. Religion must be encouraged and embraced.
`
The Doctor: And that religion is the Hindu faith?? (he scoffs)…..
Big Daddy: NO! just any religion…… I am just saying that “God is not dead and we shouldn’t let him die” as Nietzsche claimed. Unlike the Keeper I have always proposed that all the world’s major world religions have enough moral capital in them that need to be enhanced and expanded by their followers. It is sufficient for a Hindu to strive to be a good Hindu, A Muslim to a be a good Muslim, A Sikh to be a good Sikh, a Jain to be a good Jain and a Christian to be a good Christian and a (looks at The Doctor) Buddhist to be a good Buddhist. This is the only way to counter the mishaps of modernity.
The Doctor: Hmm….
Ironman: I don’t understand all of this. So, Dreamer, Big Daddy, The Keeper and the Doctor are not in favor of a beef ban?
(Ayes all around except Guruji who is visibly restless)
Ironman: Do you still not get it? Your ideas are impractical…(looking at Guruji)
Guruji: Well, the Supreme Court is with me on this one and has upheld a number of judgments in regards to the beef ban. The Directive Principles and fundamental duties in the Constitution have in spirit endorsed the ban on beef.
The Doctor: Yeah but Fundamental duties and Directive principles are not enforceable by law. Also, you have never believed in the Indian Constitution and always held your Shastras to be superior. This argument of your is extremely opportunistic.
The dreamer: According to me that is a good synonym for Hindutva- opportunistic. Also the Directive Principles and Fundamental duties are not engulfed by the basic doctrine of the Indian Constitution. But guess what is? Surprise , surprise…..Secularism.
Guru: What about the state list? (Opens up his notes)-“ Preservation, protection and improvement of stock and prevention of animal diseases; veterinary training and practice.” “ Preservation, protection and improvement of stock and prevention of animal diseases; veterinary training and practice.” We can ban beef using this law can’t we?
The Dreamer: (looking worried) See, this is why I strongly oppose the separation of state and religion. It is because of buffoons like these….
(The Keeper interrupts)
The Keeper: This is not about separating state and church as much as it is about a conflict between two basic doctrines of the Indian Constitution- Secularism and Federalism. Both seem mutually exclusive at this point. What do you say Doctor, you are it’s chief author after all?
The Doctor: Well, I never ever mentioned that the Constitution is a perfect book but that it we must strive to make it perfect. As far as I am concerned, this conflict cannot be resolved, legally at least.
Big daddy: See, morality is always superior to legality. It will be best if people who don’t eat the cow tolerate those who do and slowly bring about a change of heart through love, compassion and reason.
(Everybody listens but the move on)
The Keeper: I am opposed to the Centre interfering with the powers of the states. If the people of a state in India enforce a beef ban…so be it.
The Dreamer: Secularism is a higher ideal than federalism. The former is a matter of morality and the latter is simply a matter of administrative convenience.
The Keeper: But I don’t see it that way. I see federalism as an attribute of liberty, which is as good as or greater an ideal than Secularism.
Big Daddy: I must say Dreamer that I agree with the Keeper that communities must have their own right of self-determination as long as it is in harmony with truth.
Ironman: Dreamer, it would also be a big hassle to direct the states to not enforce the ban or for the Centre to take an active part in it. We have much more important things to be bothered about.
The Dreamer: I am not entirely convince about this but I don’t see how it can be any other way as of now as far as the Centre is concerned. My worry is that the states will unnecessarily segregate the Muslims, lower classes and castes as in the case of Gujarat.
But I also see the point that the Keeper makes on federalism…
The Doctor: The states after all have the rights to regulate agriculture and livestock. So, my opinion is to leave this issue at the community and state level and watch out for future trends.
Big Daddy: I shall work with the village communities and educate them about the benefits of the cow when alive as compared to when it is dead and the unhealthy effects of red meat on the body. I think this is the only solution. Federalism and Secularism are concepts that 75% of the Indian people can’t relate to or grasp.
Guruji: HAHAHAHA, Again Big Daddy supports my opposition of Secularism.
The Dreamer: No, he does not. He simply strives to find solutions to problems within the Indian tradition through ahimsa and reason unlike your himsa and lunacy.
Guruji: Says, the brown white man. So called Kashmiri Pandit, sucker of the West. Right, Keeper?
The Keeper: I am happy with the compromise between secularism and federalism that we have arrived at in regards to the beef ban. Also, Guru I can’t be bothered to respond to your ad hominem attacks in a serious discussion among equals.
The Dreamer: I am not a hundred percent on this but I shall defer to all your judgments.
Guruji: What the hell is wrong with all of you? Have you lost your mind? None of you have the balls. We don’t need the Centre. Gujarat is the first, and soon others will follow. Our movement is going to liberate Mother India from you liberals, secularists and socialists. One day, India will be a Hindu Rashtra … Mark my words
(Gets up and storms off)
Guruji: (Shouts, as he leaves) “Bharath Matha ki jai, Hindustan Zindabad Pakistan Murdabad
Guruji: I promise that this is not the last that you will all see of me. I will return stronger.
The Dreamer: I told you all before, we must have never let him grow. He is a fascist.
Ironman: He is crazy, no need to take him seriously. Anyways are we all done now? The solution as of now is to leave the matter to the states or local communities
(Ayes all around).
The Dreamer: Also, if I may add- we must come down heavily on those that indulge in violence in the name of beef.
(Everyone nods except Big Daddy who shrugs it off).
The Dreamer: All righty, fruitful discussion, boys. Until next time- Goodbye and Godspeed.
The Doctor: (gets up) I don’t know what kind of God causes so much misery and pain (walks off).
(everyone look bewildered)
Big Daddy: Let him be. He is perhaps much closer to God than any of us.
Ironman: Dreamer, we must get going before you get drunk. We have lots of work to do..
The Dreamer: Must you embarrass me in front of others all the time? Ciao let us get out of here.
(The Dreamer and Ironman bid adieu to the Keeper and Big Daddy)
Big Daddy: Excuse me Keeper, I have a rally to address. I would love to talk to you more if you are around Bombay for the weekend.
The Keeper: Unfortunately I am not Big Daddy. I leave early tomorrow. But do convey my regards to Baa…
Bug Daddy: I will, take care and continue your good work for the people of the South.
The Keeper: Thank you, Big Daddy.
(Big Daddy walks away…..The Keeper waits and then leaves alone)
The End
Epilogue: The above situation is my own imagination of how the makers of modern India would have responded to the recent issue of the beef ban across various states in India, had they been alive today. Big Daddy (M.K. Gandhi), The Dreamer (Pandit Nehru), Ironman (Sardar Patel), The Keeper (C. Rajagopalchari), The Doctor (B.R. Ambedkar) and Guruji (M.S. Golwalkar) represent all the vastly different opinions that we find in the massive sea of the Indian political spectrum. But I have tried to show that despite their differences, they were men of impeccable integrity concerned with the well being of India (excepting one, as the reader would have grasped). Apart from their political opinions, I have also tried to conjure up the chemistry they would have shared back in the day by recounting certain aspects of their personalities. All these, a moderately well-read person on modern Indian history would easily grasp. But the above scenario is written not only to provide a solution in the present but also to educate and interest readers about our heroes of modern India. Recently, I have noticed a trend where I find people judging these men easily, unfairly and often poorly. Perhaps, this can help demonstrate in a simple way, the profound and sophisticated ideas of these great men. We can of course agree and disagree with them but I am opposed to those that trample on their dignity and integrity.
